Posted by Hayato/Drake/Rain on Apr 15, 2020 22:34:58 GMT -5
DISCLAIMER: EVERYTHING SAID IN THE FOLLOWING RP IS IN CHARACTER AND DOES NOT REFLECT THE VIEWS AND OPINIONS OF THE WRITER! VIEWER DISCRETION IS ADVISED!
The dulcet tones of Peter Cullen, the one and ONLY Optimus Prime, gently fucks your earholes over a swing band cover of "Devil Trigger" and the words "The Heavenly Herald" appear on the screen in shining golden cursive script.
Peter Cullen: And now, coming to you live from an undisclosed location in Texas, ladies and gentlemen, wrestling's greatest and only hope, The Dark Angel, Drrrrrake Connors!
The sounds of a live studio audience cheering their butts off is heard as Drake steps out from behind the curtain, dressed to the nines in a slick three piece suit of a pinstripe tailored blazer, plain black vest, a dark, maroon colored shirt, bright red power tie, and tailored pinstripe slacks, topped off with calf high combat boots polished to a mirror shine.
Drake Connors: Ladies and gents, welcome to another edition of The Heavenly Herald, episode TWO of my highly anticipated and award worthy episodic late night TV ripoff, and you heard correctly: My buddy Optimus Prime is now introducing me like my own personal Ed McMahon, but don't get too used to him, as I'll have many of my famous friends guest narrate because my writer monkey is a huge nerd.
Man, eat a DICK, Connors! You know you're just as nerdy as I am!
Drake Connors: True, true. I have a giant robot introducing me. My nerd penis is enormous. Anywhore, much like my penis, we have a YUGE shew for you all tonight, because Chaos fuckin hates me and decided to do a ginormous battle royale with cheese there at the end, and that's gonna be exhausting, not to mention the forbidden topic of the Easter Egg hunt... So let's get to it.
Drake walked like a normal ass man to his massive desk and sits behind it, shuffling a few papers.
Drake Connors: A normal ass man??
You got pissed when I said "languidly" last time, bruh.
Drake Connors: Oh, right. You can use your word nerd shit again. Makes me sound classy and shit.
Indeed. Classy... And shit.
Drake Connors: Don't be a smartass. Anyway, let's begin!
A graphic appears of an image of El Diablo Blanco and one of his Flamin' Diablo Burritos, with the words "Live Mas, Diablitos Locos!". Drake looks a bit annoyed.
Drake Connors: The feck?!?
Drake, you know you've gotta plug the burrito thing. Taco Bell is EPIC's official sponsors now. Drake sighs and pinches the bridge of his nose as if he is developing a headache.
Drake Connors: Yes, I am... Dammit. Buy the Fiery Butthole Burrito, now from Paco's Hell! The Firey Butthole Burrito, for fat fucks who like to shit fire and have explosive diarrhea, cha cha cha. I need a sponsorship, monkey boy. Gimme a sponsorship with Demonia boots and Tripp clothing.
I'll see what I can do. Whether Quinn runs with it? Well... Anyways, a new graphic appears of Quinn and Analicia's announcement at the top of the program.
Drake Connors: Speak of the fuckin' devil. Roberta Queen and my baby mama Analicia Morales-Connors kicked things off with some major announcements... Mostly about that lllllooooooooonnnng ass Violence Invitational, but also about important shit.
What could be more important than the invitational?
Drake Connors: If I could slap you, I would... The announcement of my match with Dizzie! Way more important than some stupid violence crap...
But you were involved in that!
Drake Connors: So? Doesn't mean I think it was super important or anything. I just wanted to kick some ass... Which I did. Anyway, we saw Limp Noodle try to sling his ramen at Dizz, and she turned his skanky ass down flat. It was the funniest goddamn thing I've ever seen... Also kinda sad.
How so?
Drake Connors: Because as bad as Limp Noodle is, he's still better than JC Kweefton.
Ouch.
Drake Connors: Ah, that kid knows I'm joking, screw him if he can't take it. Moving right along, El Diablo de la Cracker got things fixed for him by Ali Baba...
Quinn.
Drake Connors: (glares upward) I -KNOW- that, fuckhead. ANYway, Ali Baba paid off the not so good Doctor Assfart, and The Burrito Kid got cleared to compete. Good for him. It fuckin' sucks when some manipulative ass clown makes it so you can't compete because of fuckery... Though said manipulative ass clown got hers later that night.
Drake Connors: Moving right along, Angelica Ruiz-OscarMayerWeiner beat Chiaki Kodakmoment in a match that made me kinda bored, though I did enjoy all the jiggling going on. Ana knows, and she's fine with that.
You sure? I think she might threaten you again.
Drake Connors: Oh, writer monkey... When are you gonna learn that that's our kink? AAAAAnyway, Mugu Gai Pan and Moros had a philosophical debate with Eli Hiccup. I dunno what it was about. I got bored and went to take a piss and get a beer. I will say my son handled himself well, Mugu Guy Panda... (shrugs) Guy's too nice to figure out what Hix and Mav were saying.
Dude, why are you making fun of everyone's names like that?
Drake Connors: Because you're writing me like that, dumbass. Anywho, after that, Dizzie showed the world exactly why I stan her as she whooped Limp Noodle in 72 seconds. The girl's got grit and the gift. And, AND, she came up with a helluva match stipulation!
What's that?
Drake Connors: Watch Rebirth and see, dipshit! Moving on, cRyan Shame bibble babbled about Onyx, though why he yammered about a Pokey Man's is beyond me. Then he went after Baker... Bad idea, cRyan! Baker Belthunter is one crazy cracka! Wait, didn't these two have an argument about who's better for JC Kweefton? Fuck... Guys, get a room, seriously.
Dude-
Drake Connors: Shut up, monkey! I'm on a roll! Next we saw Kweefton and Fatman take on Molester and Lezzy Lannister... Those sick fucks got pwned by Fatman and Ribbon in 21 minutes and seven seconds. Way to go fat guy and skinny young girl! You beat a couple of perverts and it took you almost half an hour to do it. Jeez.
Drake Connors: Then we saw MuPu Platter trying to hype my son up for their match. Mooman, listen: My son is ready to beat ass, AT ALL TIMES. He's a good boy who took all his vegetable and ate all his vitamins and said his satanic incantations before going to bed. He's got this shit. Stop making him doubt himself!
Drake Connors: Moving on... Fuck it. More talk about the love triangle with Kweefton. Guys, just FUCK and get it over with! I'm sick of this crapping up the airwaves already!
Drake sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose again as he takes a moment to collect himself. He lowers his hand slowly as he begins to speak again.
Drake Connors: And then Mav got screwed by his mask... Kid, I'mma tell you now... Ditch the mask. It's a liability. And MooMan, you shoulda protected my son better. (shakes his head.)
Drake Connors: Anyway, the Wyld Stallyns almost revealed who their dad is... We don't care. Danny Dream rambled about video games. Boring. Frank Lowe attacked Terra... I'mma have to team up with everyone that cares about her and murder him... Slowly... With rusty spoons.
Drake glares at the camera with icy blue bullshooter's eyes. He maintains the glare for a moment, before sighing again.
Drake Connors: Not gonna cover everything in that invitational. Just too damn much to go over and I'm so not in the mood... Just gonna say, fuck that chick with the brass knuckles, and fuck her mama, too. I still beat you. Suck it. Hayato, sorry about taking you out, but business is business, and I really, REALLY did NOT enjoy the firecracker in my ass crack. Rose, great job getting immediate revenge on the bunghole who took ME out with some low, sneak attack bullshit. Proud of you, baby girl. Gonna send that religious cock-knocker a bag of ice for his marbles. Eli Hix... I'm only gonna say this once: Go after my daughter again, I will fucking slaughter you. Point. Blank.
Drake Connors: I don't really give two shits what happened after my baby girl got eliminated... Apparently Burrito Lad got over. Good for him. I hope he keeps that title.
Drake Connors: Now, I know I promised to talk about the Easter Egg Hunt, but my lawyers just informed me I can't. Thank PeTA and dumbass Hix for that. Anyway, that's about all the crap I can stomach. Speaking of crap...
Drake pulls out a Flamin' Diablo Burrito, unwrapping it like the treasure it is. He takes a bite, and waves dismissively at the camera.
Drake Connors: Fuck off, I'mma eat this Firey Butthole Burrito and die screaming on the toilet later tonight. WE OUT DIS BITCH!
As the scene begins to fade to black to a swing dance version of "The In-Between", Peter Cullen speaks again.
Peter Cullen: The Heavenly Herald is filmed before a living dead studio audience.
-End Program-
The dulcet tones of Peter Cullen, the one and ONLY Optimus Prime, gently fucks your earholes over a swing band cover of "Devil Trigger" and the words "The Heavenly Herald" appear on the screen in shining golden cursive script.
Peter Cullen: And now, coming to you live from an undisclosed location in Texas, ladies and gentlemen, wrestling's greatest and only hope, The Dark Angel, Drrrrrake Connors!
The sounds of a live studio audience cheering their butts off is heard as Drake steps out from behind the curtain, dressed to the nines in a slick three piece suit of a pinstripe tailored blazer, plain black vest, a dark, maroon colored shirt, bright red power tie, and tailored pinstripe slacks, topped off with calf high combat boots polished to a mirror shine.
Drake Connors: Ladies and gents, welcome to another edition of The Heavenly Herald, episode TWO of my highly anticipated and award worthy episodic late night TV ripoff, and you heard correctly: My buddy Optimus Prime is now introducing me like my own personal Ed McMahon, but don't get too used to him, as I'll have many of my famous friends guest narrate because my writer monkey is a huge nerd.
Man, eat a DICK, Connors! You know you're just as nerdy as I am!
Drake Connors: True, true. I have a giant robot introducing me. My nerd penis is enormous. Anywhore, much like my penis, we have a YUGE shew for you all tonight, because Chaos fuckin hates me and decided to do a ginormous battle royale with cheese there at the end, and that's gonna be exhausting, not to mention the forbidden topic of the Easter Egg hunt... So let's get to it.
Drake walked like a normal ass man to his massive desk and sits behind it, shuffling a few papers.
Drake Connors: A normal ass man??
You got pissed when I said "languidly" last time, bruh.
Drake Connors: Oh, right. You can use your word nerd shit again. Makes me sound classy and shit.
Indeed. Classy... And shit.
Drake Connors: Don't be a smartass. Anyway, let's begin!
A graphic appears of an image of El Diablo Blanco and one of his Flamin' Diablo Burritos, with the words "Live Mas, Diablitos Locos!". Drake looks a bit annoyed.
Drake Connors: The feck?!?
Drake, you know you've gotta plug the burrito thing. Taco Bell is EPIC's official sponsors now. Drake sighs and pinches the bridge of his nose as if he is developing a headache.
Drake Connors: Yes, I am... Dammit. Buy the Fiery Butthole Burrito, now from Paco's Hell! The Firey Butthole Burrito, for fat fucks who like to shit fire and have explosive diarrhea, cha cha cha. I need a sponsorship, monkey boy. Gimme a sponsorship with Demonia boots and Tripp clothing.
I'll see what I can do. Whether Quinn runs with it? Well... Anyways, a new graphic appears of Quinn and Analicia's announcement at the top of the program.
Drake Connors: Speak of the fuckin' devil. Roberta Queen and my baby mama Analicia Morales-Connors kicked things off with some major announcements... Mostly about that lllllooooooooonnnng ass Violence Invitational, but also about important shit.
What could be more important than the invitational?
Drake Connors: If I could slap you, I would... The announcement of my match with Dizzie! Way more important than some stupid violence crap...
But you were involved in that!
Drake Connors: So? Doesn't mean I think it was super important or anything. I just wanted to kick some ass... Which I did. Anyway, we saw Limp Noodle try to sling his ramen at Dizz, and she turned his skanky ass down flat. It was the funniest goddamn thing I've ever seen... Also kinda sad.
How so?
Drake Connors: Because as bad as Limp Noodle is, he's still better than JC Kweefton.
Ouch.
Drake Connors: Ah, that kid knows I'm joking, screw him if he can't take it. Moving right along, El Diablo de la Cracker got things fixed for him by Ali Baba...
Quinn.
Drake Connors: (glares upward) I -KNOW- that, fuckhead. ANYway, Ali Baba paid off the not so good Doctor Assfart, and The Burrito Kid got cleared to compete. Good for him. It fuckin' sucks when some manipulative ass clown makes it so you can't compete because of fuckery... Though said manipulative ass clown got hers later that night.
Drake Connors: Moving right along, Angelica Ruiz-OscarMayerWeiner beat Chiaki Kodakmoment in a match that made me kinda bored, though I did enjoy all the jiggling going on. Ana knows, and she's fine with that.
You sure? I think she might threaten you again.
Drake Connors: Oh, writer monkey... When are you gonna learn that that's our kink? AAAAAnyway, Mugu Gai Pan and Moros had a philosophical debate with Eli Hiccup. I dunno what it was about. I got bored and went to take a piss and get a beer. I will say my son handled himself well, Mugu Guy Panda... (shrugs) Guy's too nice to figure out what Hix and Mav were saying.
Dude, why are you making fun of everyone's names like that?
Drake Connors: Because you're writing me like that, dumbass. Anywho, after that, Dizzie showed the world exactly why I stan her as she whooped Limp Noodle in 72 seconds. The girl's got grit and the gift. And, AND, she came up with a helluva match stipulation!
What's that?
Drake Connors: Watch Rebirth and see, dipshit! Moving on, cRyan Shame bibble babbled about Onyx, though why he yammered about a Pokey Man's is beyond me. Then he went after Baker... Bad idea, cRyan! Baker Belthunter is one crazy cracka! Wait, didn't these two have an argument about who's better for JC Kweefton? Fuck... Guys, get a room, seriously.
Dude-
Drake Connors: Shut up, monkey! I'm on a roll! Next we saw Kweefton and Fatman take on Molester and Lezzy Lannister... Those sick fucks got pwned by Fatman and Ribbon in 21 minutes and seven seconds. Way to go fat guy and skinny young girl! You beat a couple of perverts and it took you almost half an hour to do it. Jeez.
Drake Connors: Then we saw MuPu Platter trying to hype my son up for their match. Mooman, listen: My son is ready to beat ass, AT ALL TIMES. He's a good boy who took all his vegetable and ate all his vitamins and said his satanic incantations before going to bed. He's got this shit. Stop making him doubt himself!
Drake Connors: Moving on... Fuck it. More talk about the love triangle with Kweefton. Guys, just FUCK and get it over with! I'm sick of this crapping up the airwaves already!
Drake sighs, pinching the bridge of his nose again as he takes a moment to collect himself. He lowers his hand slowly as he begins to speak again.
Drake Connors: And then Mav got screwed by his mask... Kid, I'mma tell you now... Ditch the mask. It's a liability. And MooMan, you shoulda protected my son better. (shakes his head.)
Drake Connors: Anyway, the Wyld Stallyns almost revealed who their dad is... We don't care. Danny Dream rambled about video games. Boring. Frank Lowe attacked Terra... I'mma have to team up with everyone that cares about her and murder him... Slowly... With rusty spoons.
Drake glares at the camera with icy blue bullshooter's eyes. He maintains the glare for a moment, before sighing again.
Drake Connors: Not gonna cover everything in that invitational. Just too damn much to go over and I'm so not in the mood... Just gonna say, fuck that chick with the brass knuckles, and fuck her mama, too. I still beat you. Suck it. Hayato, sorry about taking you out, but business is business, and I really, REALLY did NOT enjoy the firecracker in my ass crack. Rose, great job getting immediate revenge on the bunghole who took ME out with some low, sneak attack bullshit. Proud of you, baby girl. Gonna send that religious cock-knocker a bag of ice for his marbles. Eli Hix... I'm only gonna say this once: Go after my daughter again, I will fucking slaughter you. Point. Blank.
Drake Connors: I don't really give two shits what happened after my baby girl got eliminated... Apparently Burrito Lad got over. Good for him. I hope he keeps that title.
Drake Connors: Now, I know I promised to talk about the Easter Egg Hunt, but my lawyers just informed me I can't. Thank PeTA and dumbass Hix for that. Anyway, that's about all the crap I can stomach. Speaking of crap...
Drake pulls out a Flamin' Diablo Burrito, unwrapping it like the treasure it is. He takes a bite, and waves dismissively at the camera.
Drake Connors: Fuck off, I'mma eat this Firey Butthole Burrito and die screaming on the toilet later tonight. WE OUT DIS BITCH!
As the scene begins to fade to black to a swing dance version of "The In-Between", Peter Cullen speaks again.
Peter Cullen: The Heavenly Herald is filmed before a living dead studio audience.
-End Program-