HEAVENLY HERALD EP 3! SUPER SPECIAL REBIRTH EXTRAVAGANZA!!!!

[Hayato/Drake/Rain]

A swing band version of "The In-Between" plays us on as golden, cursive script labels this as the "Heavenly Herald with Drake Connors". The golden, mellifluous voice of Keith David can be heard, his deep, rich voice overriding the music.

Keith David: Ladies and gentlemen, here is your Heavenly Host, Drrrrake Connors!

Loud applause as Drake steps out from behind the curtain. He straightens his now trademark three piece suit jacket.

Drake Connors: Folks, tonight we have a very big, important show for you. I'm gonna break down, and probably have a nervous breakdown, the entirety of EPIC's "Rebirth" event. (that trademark smirk) "Rebirth"? I see SOMEbody reads DC Comics.

He waggles his eyebrows to the canned laughter of the audience, and makes his way to the desk.

Drake Connors: For such a very big, important, YUGE show, I felt it appropriate that we should have a co-host/guest star for the night... So please, a warm welcome for Ryan Maverick. (boos as Mav comes out from behind the curtain) Remember, studio audience, Mav IS my son. (a dark frown on Drake's face, confused applause, scattered cheers)

Mav waves to the crowd, smirking just as well as his adoptive father, a smirk that either makes you wanna bang him or strangle him. He has a seat on a plush velvet affair next to Drake's desk, wiping his palms on his jeans and straightening his t-shirt.

Drake Connors: He clearly hasn't heard of dressing UP for important events.

Mav: This IS dressed up for me, pops. You're lucky I didn't show up in just my boxers.

Drake chuckles, then shuffles the blank sheets of paper in front of him.

Drake Connors: Quinn started off the show with Cryan Shame and The Mouthpiece, I mean Graham Baker, and predictably, he did some heel turn shit with the Wyld Stallyns and that nuttier than a squirrel turd Eli Hix. Cryan Shame got beaten harder than the willy of a pubescent little boy with access to internet porn. Then Baker talked a bunch of shit about Cryan, Danny Dream, blah blah, but seems to wanna be cool with me, despite fuckface Hix threatening Rose...

Mav: Man, why you talkin' shit about my teammates?

Drake Connors: (eyballs Mav) Teammates? Haha... Oh, you're serious?

Mav: I actually like... SOME of them. They're my friends.

Drake Connors: (smirks) Rrrrright. Okay, sure, moving right along.

Drake Connors: We saw El Diablo learn the downside to corporate sponsorship... Corporate interference. They slapped a Taco Bell sticker on his Ford Fiesta..

Mav: Escape.

Drake Connors: Whatever, they stuck a logo on that car and told him he couldn't do any crazy hardcore shit anymore and that they'd be watching... Well, I for one hope they'll be watching real close when I kick the crap out of burrito boy. Don't get me wrong; I like the kid, I do. I loved the fake belt in his promo video, I love that he's a family man like me, I love that he told those corporate weasels to shove it and refused to lay down. What does it matter if El D gets messed up in a match? Dude wears a mask. He could be a hideous C.H.U.D., and that mask would still help him get over. Relax, Taco Boys. You won't have to worry about that much longer... Brother.

Drake throws a blank sheet of paper behind his head. Mav just shakes his head in amusement, chuckling in his best impersonation of Ed McMahon.

Drake Connors: Next up was Wyld Stallyns vs the Creepies for the ability to call themselves the greatest siblings in EPIC... Who fuckin' cares?! Total piss break match.

Mav: Definitely a piss break match; Wyldeside under-performed abysmally. They're going to be made to pay for that... Um, at least, that's what, uh, Baker says.

Drake nods.

Drake Connors: Sure he did, son. Then RISA and Terra had yet another Lez-Be-Frens food fight thingy. (shakes his head) RISA needs to quit that lest her actual girlfriend get a little jelly. I hear Murray was confused in the pants by their antics.

Mav: Who the hell is Murray?

Drake Connors: Y'know, that old guy I thought was perving on you?

Mav: Is that how you pronounce his name? I've been calling him Moo-roo this whole time.

Drake Connors: Trust me, son. It's Murray. Anywho, that Welsh bastard continues to make me wanna punch him in the head as hard as I can by beating my daughter, your sister, and Angelica Oscar-Mayer with some shady ass, no talent tactics. Fuck that hairy, Freddy Mercury lookin' little oily weasel, if he does one more thing to any member of my family, I'mma kill 'im.

Mav: Hell, I'll help you do it. Fuck that guy. He's a douche.

Drake nods, flinging another blank piece of paper behind him as if it were a page of script. Mav just smirks, knowing the piece of theater to be just that. Drake is truly an asshole, and this is all off the cuff commentary.

Drake Connors: Then we saw a demonstration of my son's genius as he planted the seeds of doubt in Murray's mind, making the old man think that he, Mav, thought Murray was gonna get up to shady shit, when in fact it was the boy who was planning shady shit... I love how the guy pretends to know you.

Mav nods vigorously.

Mav: I know, right? Dude didn't even know I was omnisexual until two nights ago!

Drake Connors: ...Seriously? You're walking backstage holding hands with Hayato all the time now. How could he miss THAT?

Mav shrugs, blushing a bit at the mention of his humble savior.

Drake Connors: And then, then, the ultimate egotist, JC, showed just how egotistical he is. "Most guys wouldn't LET you do something like this. But I will. Look at me. I'm different. I'm special. Me, me, me. Mess Connors up, blah blah blah." Clearly I'm just fine, Johnny Cage. Dizzie? Eh, not so much. We tore the place up and damn near burned it down, and just for SHITS and GIGGLES. No particular reason except we wanted a good, clean fight with the people we saw as our biggest competition. What we did was so badass that even that Bridget chick could only say "wow", and Captain Howdy-Doody was fast to say "get that ninja in the violence division yesterday" when I won with a big ass piece of glass sticking out of my back. THAT, Johnny Cage, is how you impress people. Not with treacly, touchy feely WORDS, but with ACTIONS. Douche.

Mav: Douche.

Drake and Mav laugh at saying the word "douche" at practically the same time.

Drake Connors: I'm not even gonna touch on the bunny stuff, because nope, and there's really not much to say about my friend kicking the peel off of Nanners after taking a beating from the Great Yellow Hope and just laughing about it. Apparently Nanners doesn't hit very hard and has kind of a glass chin. Go figure.

Drake Connors: Ick, more Dalmon stuff. Pass.

Drake Connors: Daniel Dream being a video game based drama queen. Pass again. Whiny ass bitches and freaks on this roster, I swear!

Drake Connors: In a firecracker of a match, Madman, Dream, El D and RISA put on one HELL of a show. El D showed his middle finger to the execs and I'm almost as proud of that kid as I am of my own son, and that's saying something, Diablo. Good job, dude. Epic Fail, Gameboy.

Mav chuckles as Drake massages his temples.

Drake Connors: Next was a "big match" break down, and dear Thor was it long... And dull. I was actually glad to be in the hospital by then, because ugh... Johnny Cage is built like a brick shithouse? Bro, I'm three inches taller and a helluva lot heavier (especially since all the training to take on Dizzie), does that make me an adamantium boathouse? And Jasper says pound for pound HE'S the strongest guy on the roster? PAH-hahahahahahaaaaaaa! NO. He isn't. That'd be me, sir. Then you went into his bastetbaww past, and I literally could not give less of a fuck if you paid me to.

Mav laughs hysterically. Drake shrugs, smirking a bit.

Drake Connors: I think they EVENTUALLY talked about Swanson, but I checked out mentally and can't remember anything else after all those mind numbing stats.

Drake Connors: Then there was Terra taking on that assbutt of Brobdingnagian proportions, Frankie Furter, and she finally took her revenge... Then smeared his blood on her boobs and went on some kind of weird ass rant that made me think "Oh dear Thor, what did Ana get us involved in?" Of course, then I realized that EVERYONE in our little group is insane. Terra just might be insaner than most, though she doesn't seem to be aware she's fictional...

Mav: Dad, come on, don't go there. You know it bugs me when you start talking about writer monkeys and shit.

Drake sighs.

Drake Connors: Someday, son, you'll see I was correct. Anyway, in a shocker of an ending to the Chaos Championship... Ya know, I don't really like that name.

Mav: Me either. I'm thinking of changing it.

Drake Connors: You should. In any case, with a cry of "Don't ignore me, son of a bitch!" Mav blasted Murray to the mat with Her Song for the win, then teamed up with the rest of ReFiveEn to beat Murray senseless. (shrugs) Some people may take issue with that. I don't. Though I am a BIT concerned you're working with that nutty ass clown Hix. He's gonna be trouble, son. Keep an eye on him. And DEFINITELY keep an eye on Baker. That guy's a shady fuck. I will say this, though... That "BANG! You're dead." moment gave me wood, and trust me, your mom found out about that later.

Mav: DUDE! TMI!

Drake Connors: It ain't like you and Hayato are exactly quiet, bud. The soundproofing is good, but it ain't THAT good. And anyway, that's my way of saying I'm proud as fuck of you, boy. Take the compliment.

Mav blushes again, going silent.

Drake Connors: Then there was a bunch of locker room talk, and I noticed how things got quiet when YOU entered the room, but... I'll let that go for now. Hix decided Baker was his poppa, Wyld Stallyns got bitched out, and Hix was made to get rid of that stinkin' rabbit, to the relief of everyone except Terra, I think. That thing stunk worse than Jack Swanson's undies after an El Diablo Butthole Burner Burrito binge. Fuckin terrible.

Drake sighs, nearing the end of the show (THANK FUCKING THOR!!!).

Drake Connors: And lastly, surprising no one, the willowy little girl Johnny Cage Kweefton lost his title to Horny Jack Softoff, leading to our very first EPIC World Champ... Or should I say CHUMP, as RiFiveEn showed up and tried to beat the fat off of him. RiFiveEn woulda been RiSixEn if Johnny Cage had made a different choice... But instead he turned on his "good friend" Baker and tried to cave in the dude's skull. I'll give the skinny little spit-fuck this: He's got that big ball energy. Uuuuuunfortunately, when facing off against five dudes in the mood to kick ass, MAYBE you should just go along with them until the match is over. It's easier to ask Jack's forgiveness than to shake off the beating those boys put on your skinny ass, Johnny. I knew you were dumb, but that dumb? (he sighs) Douche.

Mav: (at practically the same time) Douche.

Drake laughs as a swing band version of "Devil Trigger" begins to play him off.

Drake Connors: And that's all of the abuse I've got for you morons tonight. God knows why you want me to do this shit to you, but people have been clamoring for another episode... Well here ya go! Was it everything you wanted?!? Anyway, until next time...

Drake and Mave make the infamous finger gun toward the camera, dropping their thumbs in perfect sync.

Drake and Mav: BANG! You're DEAD!!

As the scene fades to black we hear:

Keith David: Heavenly Herald was filmed before a living dead studio audience.